“Again”

love

You ever meet someone
and
their face stays there—
clinging to the depths
of your mind
And the shattered part
of your soul feels less
troubled,
less grief,
and so to be with him—
to be back where
his skin
met yours,
you let your hair fall to the table
as you press your cheek
down upon
the wood
and, with eyes closed,
you let yourself
be with him
again.

 

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/29370225@N03/26647758241″>venice</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

“Let it Go”

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I wish I knew the way
to just let it all go—
Relax.
Believe.
Trust.
Scattered in my brain
Ache in my heart
Help me to be more like You.
Remind me that I have Your Mind
and Your Spirit
Walk with me Lord
Oh, how tired I am
I need You so
I know that You love me,
but I feel like I am failing
I am so scared
Please draw near to me

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/36093266@N06/6281951891″>Secrets of Nikko 日光市</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

“Soar”

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After much wandering,

I stopped briefly and looked up.

I realized I had not done that in quite some time.

The “looking up.”

Instead- I wandered aimlessly, always searching,

and

the search was

fruitless. void. insignificant,

and at times, damaging.

I digress.

In that moment, above it all-

I caught sight of the most beautiful vision

Midflight- a creature spread its wide, strong wings

Beak high in the air, soaring above, below and between

All the while-

Wandering with intention, with fierce and bold courage

“This is me world”- she mused. “Look at my bad ass wings.

I soar high as shit. You can’t touch this.”

I’m never gonna wander without purpose.

Never gonna not stop to look up and look around and see all the beauty that surrounds me,

I’m never not gonna be like this bird. I’m a badass too, and I’m gonna soar bitches.

photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/shanonwise/3580000556/”>shanon wise</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;

“High”

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And when I am alone

I dream of who I want to be

Who I want to make this journey for me

The love I hope to give and receive

All the beauty in this world

Too much for one soul to believe

I long to spend every moment

Getting lost in it

Never forget that you are perfect

to me.

Leaves will start sprouting forth their

New golden colors,

and like kings and queens,

they will shimmer so bright

I will adorn my head with

A crown made of the last flowers

Some dull, some bright,

Those that have held tight to the earth

I will praise them for their fortitude and

Honor their loveliness

My arms, like wings, will dance

and sway in the cooling breeze of autumn—

and I will forever find joy once lost

high up on those mountaintops.

photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/nathanoliverphotography/8124995320/”>Nathan O’Nions</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>c

 

“Instead”

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Instead
I will be someone else
Instead I will abandon my heart
Instead I will question
The reflection in the mirror
Shout to it
Cross and petulant
I will deny it
Tell it to go away
Deny its beauty
Shudder at the thought of acceptance
Drown in tears
Spill dreams
Escape
Instead
All these things because of what you said

photo credit: Alba Soler Photography via photopin cc

“Pennies in the water”

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Under the booth
I tried to squeeze past your
Disregard
Tears fell too often
Mascara slid
down cheeks
that were innocent and naïve
Much too kind
Much too damaged
Your eyes were never for me
Your heart never unselfish
Mine was lost
Mine was burdened
Pennies in the water
Wishes were made
Yet still, you were not the one for me

photo credit: shioshvili via photopin cc

Gahhhhh! So I am still figuring this whole blog site business out, and I just lost all the work from my pending post. I am a complete cheeze-it! I am going to try to recall the bits of what I wrote, and so please bear with me here.

Yesterday was a really strange day for me. I just sort of felt different- in a good way. I started my day by working myself up off the bed and into the kitchen to make a good cup of joe. My mind ran wild… I will write today! And I did. Armed with coffee, I sat down at my desk adorned with random photographs and books, and I wrote my first post. Yay me!

It amazes me that I have not written more- that I have not written every single day of my life. There is always so much clutter filling the confines of my crazy whacked out brain- I need to get it out. I care too much- I worry too much. YADDA. YADDA. YADDA.I must write.

I am in a transition and I feel it. I am working to start being more authentic- more “me” if you will. I have always admired those that are unapologetically themselves. You know- all “fuck you, world!” Those people inspire me. Those creative, wild, fearless folks- I want to be just like that.

I used to be- you know I think we all are at first. As infants and young children, we do not yet know of the fearful things in this world. We have not yet had our fragile hearts torn from our chests or had words, like knives, pierce to destroy our very core…

UGLY.

That’s when it stopped for me. The whole really living my life thing. He told me I was ugly. Then she did. Then again and again. I would walk down the hallways of my high school and over and over. UGLY. She is so UGLY. And then one day it became- I AM UGLY.

And then I stopped truly living.

I hid myself away. Anything to make myself unnoticed. Anything to just be left alone. Anything to just have silence and to not be seen.

I started to want to always be alone. When I was alone, no one could hurt me there. I was safe.

That was a dark time. God’s grace got me through it, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t mighty scarred. It sure is true when they say it is easier to believe the bad stuff people say about you. Even now, so many years have passed, and I still look in the mirror and have to fight those words. I can hear that I am beautiful all day long, and yet somehow, it is so hard to believe.

I am still a mess from what those people said to me- but at least now I am learning that I am a beautiful mess, and I am okay with that.

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