“The One You Chose”

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And so you’ll choose her,
the one
who will
chew you up
and
spit you out,
her mouth foaming
her heart, an empty vase, flowers wilting within—
just a momentary beat with
no true sentiment
a clock without gears
just tick tick tick…

there will be no pause,
no remorse for your soul—
for you, never love,
you’re nothing but her toy
a simple trinket with which to play;
when boredom grasps her,
away you’ll be tossed

and you’ll think of me then
the one who would have loved you
exactly as you ought to be—
exactly the way you never
dreamed you deserved
you will see my face each night
inside your mind, oh the torment
for not having tried
and you will
wonder what could have been
how the world would have been
brighter,
more whole,
less of the lesser—inside you

and yet—
my never-to-be love,
I am not the one you chose

 

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/91695677@N00/4723657763″>I Died So I Could Haunt You</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

“Again”

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You ever meet someone
and
their face stays there—
clinging to the depths
of your mind
And the shattered part
of your soul feels less
troubled,
less grief,
and so to be with him—
to be back where
his skin
met yours,
you let your hair fall to the table
as you press your cheek
down upon
the wood
and, with eyes closed,
you let yourself
be with him
again.

 

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/29370225@N03/26647758241″>venice</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

the place

 

road_dreamin my heart
there is a place
that dreams
i hold it there
so tightly
i never waver—
in the times
i feel weak
i cling to it
i cling to the place
where my dreams
still
have life
i inhale,
breathe that place deep
into my lungs
i let it permeate my every pore
swell heavy in my spirit
bring joy into my heavy heart
thump
thump
pulse
pulse
surging
spirit, soul, collide
my dream comes alive once more

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/29832163@N07/26554078153″>Joshua Tree 05/2016</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

 

“Lost at Sea”

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Lost at sea
I would love to be
no bills to pay
no phone to ring
no worries for me
let the waves lull me to sleep
nightly
the warm sun tan my naked skin
adorn me only with the salt of the sea
around me nothing but the calm,
delicate breeze,
and the birds of the air—
fish below, to and fro,
all creatures existing in perfect harmony;
all would be as it should be
I’ve been on this land far too long;
it’s withered my spirit;
I need renewal
I’m setting off now
Don’t expect me back

photo credit: lala land via photopin (license)

Made Just for Me

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Swirling inside my heart

I find that there is a love so true for you

You-the one I have yet to meet

I dream of you and how God perfected you just for me

Here I am still toiling away

Wondering where I fit in this world

I wonder where you are in this huge

Expanse of space

And are you too thinking of me—

I ponder on

The craftsmanship of God’s hands, the time

He took when artfully He

Created the beauty that is your soul

I am still being molded and shaped

I am so imperfect

Yet I long for the day when God will

Bring your heart close to mine

Oh that I could love you

That I could finally look upon the eyes of the one

God made just for me

 photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/chiarashine/4045204750/”>chiarashine</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;

“Soar”

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After much wandering,

I stopped briefly and looked up.

I realized I had not done that in quite some time.

The “looking up.”

Instead- I wandered aimlessly, always searching,

and

the search was

fruitless. void. insignificant,

and at times, damaging.

I digress.

In that moment, above it all-

I caught sight of the most beautiful vision

Midflight- a creature spread its wide, strong wings

Beak high in the air, soaring above, below and between

All the while-

Wandering with intention, with fierce and bold courage

“This is me world”- she mused. “Look at my bad ass wings.

I soar high as shit. You can’t touch this.”

I’m never gonna wander without purpose.

Never gonna not stop to look up and look around and see all the beauty that surrounds me,

I’m never not gonna be like this bird. I’m a badass too, and I’m gonna soar bitches.

photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/shanonwise/3580000556/”>shanon wise</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;

“High”

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And when I am alone

I dream of who I want to be

Who I want to make this journey for me

The love I hope to give and receive

All the beauty in this world

Too much for one soul to believe

I long to spend every moment

Getting lost in it

Never forget that you are perfect

to me.

Leaves will start sprouting forth their

New golden colors,

and like kings and queens,

they will shimmer so bright

I will adorn my head with

A crown made of the last flowers

Some dull, some bright,

Those that have held tight to the earth

I will praise them for their fortitude and

Honor their loveliness

My arms, like wings, will dance

and sway in the cooling breeze of autumn—

and I will forever find joy once lost

high up on those mountaintops.

photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/nathanoliverphotography/8124995320/”>Nathan O’Nions</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>c

 

Waiting for the solace

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I’m still waiting

Here

Right where I was

Right where I always will linger

Waiting for you

Your heart and all you will ever be

To grow inside my heart

Softness of your fingertips touch my skin

We lie there

Sheets wrapped around and beneath

You are my solace

I will rest in you

All this I dream

All this I cannot wait to know

Please manifest soon dear love

Patient- I am still waiting

Because you are worth the wait.

photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/seyyed_mostafa_zamani/5737106423/”>seyed mostafa zamani</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;

Gahhhhh! So I am still figuring this whole blog site business out, and I just lost all the work from my pending post. I am a complete cheeze-it! I am going to try to recall the bits of what I wrote, and so please bear with me here.

Yesterday was a really strange day for me. I just sort of felt different- in a good way. I started my day by working myself up off the bed and into the kitchen to make a good cup of joe. My mind ran wild… I will write today! And I did. Armed with coffee, I sat down at my desk adorned with random photographs and books, and I wrote my first post. Yay me!

It amazes me that I have not written more- that I have not written every single day of my life. There is always so much clutter filling the confines of my crazy whacked out brain- I need to get it out. I care too much- I worry too much. YADDA. YADDA. YADDA.I must write.

I am in a transition and I feel it. I am working to start being more authentic- more “me” if you will. I have always admired those that are unapologetically themselves. You know- all “fuck you, world!” Those people inspire me. Those creative, wild, fearless folks- I want to be just like that.

I used to be- you know I think we all are at first. As infants and young children, we do not yet know of the fearful things in this world. We have not yet had our fragile hearts torn from our chests or had words, like knives, pierce to destroy our very core…

UGLY.

That’s when it stopped for me. The whole really living my life thing. He told me I was ugly. Then she did. Then again and again. I would walk down the hallways of my high school and over and over. UGLY. She is so UGLY. And then one day it became- I AM UGLY.

And then I stopped truly living.

I hid myself away. Anything to make myself unnoticed. Anything to just be left alone. Anything to just have silence and to not be seen.

I started to want to always be alone. When I was alone, no one could hurt me there. I was safe.

That was a dark time. God’s grace got me through it, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t mighty scarred. It sure is true when they say it is easier to believe the bad stuff people say about you. Even now, so many years have passed, and I still look in the mirror and have to fight those words. I can hear that I am beautiful all day long, and yet somehow, it is so hard to believe.

I am still a mess from what those people said to me- but at least now I am learning that I am a beautiful mess, and I am okay with that.

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